Does tha know what today is? Exhausting.
It feels like Pull-Yourself-A-Muscle-Day.
It's Nora Batty's birthday!
Under the circumstances, I find that REALLY uninteresting.
I can never think of her as having a birthday. I think she was chiselled out of stone.
It's not REALLY her birthday.
It's going to be an extra birthday,
because today I've decided I'm going to give her a big kiss.
Oh, lucky her(!)
I don't think I've heard of anything so brave.
Happy birthday, Nora!
It's not me birthday.
Don't be too sure. You could be in for a big surprise!
He's mental... They're all mental !
I'd still like to know... SLURPING
I'd still like to know... SLUR-R-R-P!
I'd still like to know how you're planning to do it.
You can't just grab the woman.
You have to be quick, but you can still end up with a nasty headache.
It'll have to be something crafty.
It's not so much HOW you'll do it, as WHY you're going to do it.
Why do people climb mountains?
At least they get a good view when they get there.
All right then, it's the challenge! You're a little demon, aren't you?
If you were Japanese, you'd be a Kamikaze pilot.
You're a natural human bomb!
Yes, but in those trousers you're in constant danger of seeing his fuse!
What's wrong with these trousers?
Well, they're not fit trousers for kissing anyone in.
Maybe you're right... OK, I'll change me trousers.
Good grief! It IS somebody's birthday!
I'm serious.
This is the day that I'm going to give Nora Batty the biggest kiss she's ever 'ad.
But why?
Because it recharges me batteries. Phh-sshh-oo! He's mad!
I think as long as there are people prepared to kiss Nora Batty, we may one day recover the Ashes.
But HOW are you going to do it?
All I have to do is... How would YOU do it?
The short answer is - I wouldn't. I'd sooner rub noses with a Rottweiler.
How would YOU do it, Norm?
Don't ask me, old son.
I'm not comfortable with women. I fell into marriage by accident.
And NOT the usual sort of accident!
Great help(!)
That's why a bloke 'as friends. So he can go to them for...for...
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
I think I might need a rehearsal! What are you looking at?
Tha's a fine figure of a woman, Ivy. Oh, get out!
I told you - Kamikaze pilot. Now...
..don't start anything until we get clear.
What are you doing walking towards people...with that look in your eye?
You ought to be locked up for that kind of look... Aaarrgh!
Don't panic, Ivy. Look upon this as a heavenly experience.
Yes, well, I want you to look upon THIS as a heavenly experience.
By heck! That clears your catarrh.
I only wanted to give thee a kiss.
You'll get MORE than a kiss if you don't get out of here!
So much for the direct approach.
We'll scrub the direct approach.
Mind you, it does have some fringe benefits.
Have you changed your tiny mind?
Tha must be joking!
A bloke wants more from life than a sticky bun. I don't know...
When you see a woman, you realise how happy you could be with a bun.
I'm not against ALL women...
just HIS women!
Cleggie were always a non-starter when it came to women. That's true.
I went through an entire married life without endangering me amateur status.
Of course, she doesn't make the best of 'erself.
She's never been any good since 'e left her.
^ You're bound to want a husband back, if only for punitive purposes.
^ Whose husband's walked out?
Mavis Poskit. Do I know her?
She knits for the third world.
Surely they're not COLD ?
^ Nobody has the heart to tell her. She makes a very good sponge cake.
What did 'e run away for?
What do they all run away for? Something thinner, faster, flasher!
Then they wonder why their hair falls out!
Why do you want books like that?
It's fashion, it's not pornographic.
With skirts that length it IS pornographic.
I've GOT to kiss Nora Batty
or else me nerve'll go and I shall be a broken man.
And just as we were getting used to you being merely bent. Bog off!
What kind of language is that for one of the world's great lovers?
Can't you test your nerve on something easier...
..like being a steeplejack?
It's got to be Nora Batty. It's bigger than both of us.
One of the world's great, DEMENTED lovers!
She's 'ere!
Just like I said. See what I mean? It's fate.
It'll be FATAL all right, if you start messing about. Messing about?
Who's messing about? This is a deeply moving moment.
It's funny you should say that.
I was thinking of moving, myself.
How are you planning on doing it?
I tend to work by instinct.
Whoa... Oh! Oh! Oh!
Give us a kiss. Go on!
What's Mr Simmonite doing?
It can't be untoward, or your Uncle Seymour wouldn't be a party to it.
Give us a kiss! You daft devil.
Has 'e gone berserk? He has!
What's he been eating? Whatever it is, he wants more 'taters with it.
She's great with that brolly!
Doesn't tha' think she's great? That was some instinct.
Norman Clegg!
Just leaving. There's no hurry.
There's always time for a friend of our Seymour's.
I'll bet you remember Mavis Poskit.
Mavis Poskit?
You MUST remember Mavis Poskit. You had a crush on her at school.
Oh, no, that was woodwork. I LIKED woodwork.
You dark horse! I'm not even a pony. Mavis Poskit? Such a nice woman.
^ But lonely!
Tell 'em it's not true. I was backward at school.
I bet I was even bottom at Mavis Poskit!
I had a reputation to upkeep - I...was...the...milk...monitor!
It's not that I don't like being married to your daughter, Mr Pegden,
it's just that I'm not sure I've entirely got the hang of it yet.
Pass that three-eigths spanner?
Oh, aye!
We don't go out a lot... Neither of us like going out a lot.
She admits it when pushed,
but she gets mad at me for seeing her as someone who doesn't go out.
She says we've not been married long enough not to go out a lot.
^ Barry! The spanner!
Oh, aye! Coming up, Mr Pegden.
'Ow do you like 'er colour?
Oh, I like it fine.
I'd never have married her, if I didn't like her colour.
You don't think I ought to have her resprayed?
Oh!
You've got visitors, Mr Pegden.
^ It's always when you're havin' fun! Who is it?
Seymour and Mr Simmonite.
^ I'm not in! You understand?
Where shall I tell him you are?
^ You've no idea!
Ah, Barry!
I've no idea.
What? Is Wesley here?
Well, in a manner of... I wouldn't like to say...exactly.
Not that he's entirely... or even possibly...
It's difficult to put your finger on it...
WESLEY: Oh, for crying out loud, Barry!
Wesley! Faithful, though somewhat oil stained, brother-in-law.
I did me best!
What is it? I haven't time for any extra jobs.
Extra jobs? When do I ever give you extra jobs?
We wondered if Clegg was here?
Norman Clegg?
Tha's sharp as a razor, today! I 'aven't seen him. Ask Barry!
What's the use of asking him ?!
He didn't know if YOU were here! Did thee? I haven't seen him.
I can say that definitely.
When last seen, he was being kidnapped by...
Nora Batty! There's no justice.
How come HE'S the one to be snatched away by Nora Batty?
And by Edie.
What my sister wants with a former milk monitor, I can't imagine.
Well, she 'asn't brought him here. She's not home yet!
Good day to you, Howard. It might be for some.
Cheer up, it may never 'appen. It already has!
She found a note in me pocket.
That'll teach thee to be careless with money. Not that kind of note.
A note from Marina.
Whoops! Dropped a little gooly there, didn't we, Howard?
Little? It was one of me better ones, was that. Tha's a right prawn!
Tha's supposed to memorise notes, then swallow 'em! It was scented!
How's a bloke supposed to eat scented paper?
I bet it's better than what tha's eating since Pearl found out. That's true.
Oh! Tha's looking radiant, Pearl.
And you. A vision of loveliness.
Sorry, lass, I'm spoken for.
Don't "lass" me! Just move on.
I don't want you cheering him up when he's on punishment detail.
You're not doing him any favours.
If 'e wants to survive this week, it's best I see him suffer.
I'm doing me best. He's doing very nicely.
I assure you, we merely happened to be passing looking for Clegg.
That's another weirdo - came home a minute ago looking like death.
Never seen a living soul as white as that before.
Go away!
It's locked. And anyway, there's nobody at home.
Come along, Cleggie. It's us!
Are you alone?
Well, I've got HIM with me!
Is HE alone?
I will be, if tha keeps running off with Nora Batty!
You'll be all right. You've no need to fret.
Hot, strong tea. Just the ticket.
You've only got to meet her and talk about old times.
I'm no good at old times. I don't remember any old times.
I asked them, "Why me?"
"Because she needs somebody who won't scare her," they said.
I told them, "I'll scare her - I'm pushy."
You've got to pass the word:
"That Norman Clegg - Ye Gods! Is he pushy ?!"
Where are you meeting her? The cafe.
A public place is more respectable. What time are you meeting?
Three. What time is it?
Ooh...you've got an hour yet.
How far can you get in an hour?
Come here, sit down.
You'll be OK with Mavis Poskit.
She fancied thee at school.
Nobody fancied me at school... I had spots.
Not ALL the time?
Nearly...
I used to pick the scabs on me knee.
Do you think he'll be there? He looked terrified.
Oh, he'll be there.
I have this feeling inside me that he's a very lonely person.
^ He'll be there, because Mrs Batty is going to SEE that he'll be there!
He'll be there.
Even if she has to call for him to see that he gets there!
I'm not without experience moving men who are reluctant to move.
What then? They're hardly likely to fall into each other's arms.
^ Not in public! They're both very shy people.
They're ideally suited. It's a very appropriate match.
Mother! He's terrified of the idea!
Exactly! He's very suitable. She needs somebody timid.
It can take years to get a good timid...
..if you're starting from scratch.
You've got to help me! You've GOT to help me. All right!
I don't mind giving assistance, provided you help me with Nora.
Nora Batty? Nora Batty ?! Don't you mention her name to me.
She's the one who's collecting me.
Nora Batty's coming here ?!
Is Norman Clegg at home?
He don't look well enough to be anywhere else.
He'd better be. He's meeting Mavis Poskit at three o'clock.
I didn't know Norman Clegg was one for the women! Yes, you never can tell (!)
I keep telling you, love, I don't know how the note got there.
I think it was planted on me. Mmm (!)
I must have enemies.
There's ME, for a start.
Is he in? He can't come. He has a bad headache. He's resting.
I didn't come all this way in me second best hat to be fobbed off like that!
I really think...
Oh...
Oh, dear.
URGENT KNOCKING
Are you decent?
WHIMPERING
Well, come out!
There's no need for this!
GROANING Don't you grunt at me. It's for your own good.
You'll thank us all if you suddenly find happiness and contentment.
WHINING
Imagine, at your time of life...
suddenly finding happiness and contentment.
Imagine!
I've found happiness and contentment!
This is no way to treat a woman!
GET OFF !
NORA SHRIEKS
And you, Norman Clegg - Cafe at three o'clock!
Where are you going with him? Emergency!
'Ere. Hold that.
Have a look in 'ere. Yearrgghh!
What's this emergency?
Cleggie's got woman trouble, and you've got something he needs.
Good looks and personality.
It's not something that you can transfer.
That's true. But you HAVE got something he needs.
What do I need? What DOES he need?
Marina. Marina!!
Why does he need Marina? Yes, why DO I need Marina?!
It's only for tactical purposes. I'm not having that! Oh, heck!
What do you mean, tactical puposes?
Don't worry about it. But I DO worry.
Me, too!
There's a plot afoot to get Cleggie involved with Mavis Poskit.
Then let 'im try tactical purposes on Mavis Poskit!
I think I'll emigrate. Can you still get to Australia for £10 ?
Will you give over! Leave it to us.
They've chosen Cleggie because he's quiet and shy and not likely to frighten Mavis Poskit.
I'm NOT likely to frighten her.
Cleggie must give the impression that he's dynamite with women.
I can't do impressions! You'll do this one with Marina!
He can't do anything with Marina!
He knows what he's talking about!
You don't have to do anything!
No, they'll just be simulating. I'm not having that, either!
I can't see him.
^ There, you look lovely, Mavis. I'm nervous!
Give her this...
..on the house.
There you are, Mavis.
Thank you.
^ You do remember Norman Clegg?
Vaguely.
That's him (!)
You used to like him at school.
I used to like mint humbugs at school.
You'll find he's very suitable. He's timid and gormless.
That's about the best masculine combination you can 'ope for.
But mine was timid and gormless.
Didn't stop HIM sneaking off to that woman.
Please. I'd rather not, in front of Glenda.
Mother!
You weren't brought up to discuss extra-marital problems.
Yes, we NEVER talked about anything interesting.
Somebody thinks HE'S interesting!
What woman?
You mean someone hasn't heard (?)
You've seen her. If her skirts were any higher, she'd have to wash behind her ears.
That Marina.
Oh, her!
Yes, HER !
Her with them eyelashes!
She could conduct the Halle Orchestra with those eyelashes!
And that scent she wears... Urrchgh!
It smells like all she wants in life is to be a sugared almond.
I like sugared almonds. I know somebody else who does (!)
Talk of the devil !
Nice spell of weather for the time of year.
Norman!
SQUEAKS OF INTENSE PANIC
That Norman Clegg - you never know which way he'll move next.
He certainly knows how to keep a girl guessing! He's BRUTAL...
..but MAGNIFICENT !
Norman! If you're busy, I'll come back later.
Norman...
I thought...last night... was wonderful !
What?!
It wasn't until this morning that I realised you'd left your...
Come on!
They're not mine! Oh, yes(?)
It's a frame! Never mind the frame. What about the picture?
I never wear boxer shorts.
It's true... Scarcely ever.
I've been set up.
Oh, shut up, man. It was for your own good.
What?
Oh...
Oh... Ha-ha!
Four teas, please, Ivy!
I can't help thinking, Norman, what an outstanding Clegg you'd be...
..in those boxer shorts.
Not so fast, Cleggie! Tha'll catch up with Mavis Poskit!
Subtitles by Malcolm Smith 1989